On Jaybird, Spiffy, Women, and Why Dog's Chase Sticks--(Part 1):

Now that Jaybird’s 10 years old I’ve begun to like her more. Not that I didn’t like my niece before, but what’s a little girl gonna do for Lodo Grdzak? Or visa versa? Girls bore me; but truth be told, I still like ‘em more than most women.

When Jaybird was a new baby I had to fly out to Denver to see her. I suppose it was the least I could do--if for no other reason than to show support for my sister. My sister’s way cool, but Jaybird? All she did that 1st visit was giggle and cry, suck her bottle and shit her diaper. To this day she doesn’t remember that visit when I mention it, so I’m not sure why I dropped everything to see her.

I don’t see Jaybird much--maybe two or three times a year. The first few times I visited I think we were both somewhat baffled as to what to make of each other. Around adults, Jaybird was used to being the center of attention without much effort, whereas before she came along I’d always been the youngest. Little usurper. And I had no clue how to spend time with an infant girl. When left alone I’d just stare at her like a cat stares at a busy pattern of wallpaper. As though eventually the mystery would be revealed and I’d know what to do. But the moment never came.

The first good time I had with Jaybird was after Spiderman came out. In retrospect it may have been Spiderman 2; but whatever it was, Jaybird loved Spiderman!

“Uncle Lodo, let’s play Spiderman,” she suggested when I visited.

“Uh, okay. ...How do you play?’

It was obvious by Jaybird’s face she had no idea what it meant to 'play Spiderman;' but eventually the light bulb lit behind her eyes and the muse of imagination took over.

“I’ll be the police chief and you’ll be Peter Parker,” she suggested, “When I call you on the phone, you have turn into Spiderman and get the bad guy. Okay?”

I looked ‘round at my sister and parents confused as to what I was being asked to do, but they simply encouraged me to play along.

“Uh,...okay.”

So we sat in my parent’s basement--the whole family, and doted on Jay. Jaybird waited patiently ‘till satisfied in the moment, then formed her hand into a telephone and looked in my direction.

“Ring, ring,” she said.

I waited for a more obvious signal, but none came.

“Ring, ring,” she repeated again.

I was dumbfounded.

“...Well answer it dummy!” both my parents yelled at me.

So I placed my thumb to my ear and my pinkie near my mouth as I answered the pretend phone.

“...Hello.”

“Spiderman!” Jay yelled, “There’s bad guys over here. You gotta go get ‘em!”

So again, what the hell am I supposed to do here people? I don’t hang-out with kids.

But this time Jay recognized my confusion. She jumped-off her chair and led me by the hand.
“There they are Spiderman!” she said as she pointed to an open area of my parent’s basement between the couch and patio door, “They’re bad guys, stop ‘em!”

Well people, I was young once. I’ve played pretend, so now I saw what she wanted. I yelled out. “Hey you--stop!” then ran to the vacant area. I punched at the air to subdue the lead villain. Tackled the other imaginary foe and wrestled him to the ground. Then I extended my arms, palms upright to shoot my Spidey-goo until I ensnared the criminals in my sticky web.

Not a bad day’s work if I said so myself. Jay certainly got a kick out of it and I was glad to bond a bit with my niece.

But I was about to learn something about kids.

For no sooner had I sat back down and begun to watch the game on my dad’s big-screen TV when I heard.

“Ring, ring.”

I looked in Jay’s direction and saw her hand formed into a phone. So I did the same and pretended to answer like I’d done before.

“Hello?”

“Spiderman--there’s more bad guys! We’ve really gotta stop ‘em!”

So again I hopped out my seat and proceeded to subdue the bad guys. Only I put more effort into it than the first time. For Jay’s sake. Gotta give the audience more as they say--especially that 2nd time around. So this time I threw a few kicks in there and even flipped one of the guys over my shoulder before I stepped on his neck and tied him up.

Oh did Jaybird love that! She hopped up and down like a little bunny and clapped her hands in appreciation. We all laughed as I gave her a hug and made my way back to the couch for a breather and a chance to catch the rest of the game.

But then..

“Ring, ring.”

Oh you gotta be kidding me.

“...Yeah Jay?”

“We’ve got more bad guys Spiderman. We gotta go get ‘em!”

(Heavy sigh).

This time I really put all I had into it. I mean, by now I was loose and could actually envision my opponents in my mind’s eye. So I knew what I wanted to do.

I threw those bad guys through doors. Added a few head butts for good measure. Tossed in a couple round-house kicks and even took a couple of their punches for dramatics.

It was a thing of beauty. A real knock-down, drag-out like that fight scene in The Deep. Haymakers were exchanged until I eventually I dropped my mom’s ottoman on one guy’s head like an anvil. Wrestled the other to the floor, entwined in a mortal headlock before I snapped his neck and shot to my feet with the exhilaration of hard-fought victory.

Sweat poured down my forehead as I struggled to catch my breath. It was a performance worthy of an ovation, but instead my parents and sister looked at me with dropped jaws and wide-eyed amazement. Stunned silence. Until..

“Ring, ring”




* NOTE: Due to the length of this post, I'm going to split it into at least (1) more part. I may need a few days for Part 2, but thanks a lot for reading!!!